Fine. I admit it.
I'm a member of the liberal elite and the only thing I care about is taking your hard earned money and giving it to an unemployed family of 90 illegal immigrants who live in Buckingham Palace on the dole and get a multiplex cinema in their garden at the taxpayer's expense.
Yes, we liberal elite are waging a war against christmas in order to replace it with mandatory marxist Al Quaeda terrorist training camps. We also want all the gays in the world be be married and then hold an orgy on top of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
And yeah, we made up global warming. It's a complete lie which was cooked up at a late night drug taking session between Al Gore and Peter Tatchell in order to sell you extortionately priced fairtrade yoghurt.
We then changed the name to climate change so that scientists could make millions by rewriting all the textbooks to reflect the updated terminology.
In reality, fossil fuels are limitless and the only reason we're pretending otherwise is because we're sadistic bastards who hate birds and want to build a wall of wind turbines around the world to cut them up into mince meat.
We also started the bird and swine flu panics so that we could trick you into eating GM crops which will turn your children into communist gays who marry immigrants.
Speaking of immigrants, we're also working hard to persuade all of Africa to move to Britain so that we can finally turn honest white folk into slaves to pay for the multicultural sharia law paradise which we intend to establish.
Oh, video games. Yeah, we're behind them as well. And the internets. We invented them to lull your children into becoming perverted psychopaths who'll murder their grandparents in their beds and then go out and defecate on your doorstep to lower house prices.
So this is my confession. I admit all of it. But there's nothing you can do to stop it because we're all secret jewish-communist-muslims who control all the world's money and all the media and we've brainwashed all the sheeple into believing every word we say!
Nothing can stop us! Nothing except perhaps you 'Disgusted of (formerly) Great Britain, now ZaNu Liebore EUSSR', commenting on the Daily Express and revealing to everyone our evil scheme and telling people how immigrants have turned this country into the third world - which is why you're glad you moved to Barcelona ten years ago. Because if you do this then our entire plan will fall apart!
What? You're doing just that? You're foaming at the mouth and furiously typing a misspelt rant about how no one speaks proper English anymore? No! No! Noooo! I'm melting! I'm meltiiiiiinnnnnng...
P.S. Yes, alright, we also killed Princess Diana.
P.P.S. This post is dedicated to the troglodytes commenting on the Daily Telegraph about how Nick Clegg is secretly a communist.