Sunday, 2 October 2011

The Potter Blogger guide to political parties

Labour - officially socialists, fighting on behalf of the poor and working class when in opposition but screw them over when in power. Think that taking advice from bankers on how to regulate banks is a brilliant idea. Terrified of upsetting the Daily Mail or the Sun. Also think that shooting Brazilians on the tube and invading Iraq is the best way to protect us from the Saudia Arabian terrorists who are living in Pakistan.

Conservatives - the lone defenders of Middle England against the hordes of politically correct, fortnightly bin collections, the communist BBC and evil global warming promoting scientists who actually just want to charge everyone 2000% more for petrol and electricity. Style of government is "screw the poor, let's cut taxes for the oppressed middle classes e.g. those earning over £150k."

Liberal Democrats - variously social liberal or economic liberal. Mostly harmless and enjoy real ale and curry. Dislike Labour intensely and loathe the tories. Have lots of good, evidence based policies on how to make Britain better for anyone but no one outside the party can remember what they are. Hobbies include raising the tax allowance, opposing nuclear weapons (but not too loudly), supporting green policies, losing referendums on changing the voting system and getting 75% of their manifesto implemented in government but forgetting to tell the public about it.

UKIP - The only people brave enough to tell the truth that communist, fascist Euro-Nazis from Brussels want to kill the pound, ban English ale and flood us with filthy dirty foreigners. Think that snow in winter proves that  global warming is a scam and that we are actually heading towards another ice age.

The Greens - socialists who are a bit like the Lib Dems only vegan. Very much in favour of eco-friendly policies but also have a tendency to believe voodoo about homeopathy curing cancer. Currently to be found recycling election leaflets under the auspices of Caroline Lucas in their new dominion of Brighton. Favourite political strategy is splitting the Lib Dem vote and letting the tories in.

The BNP - want to nationalise everything and limit the vote to people who've served in the army. Want to pay everyone with a sun tan £50,000 to "go back to africa or muslim land or wherever it is you effin pakis come from".

The SNP - currently ruling Scotland. Want independence and are vaguely left wing with a love of centralisation. Hobbies include insulting judges for disagreeing with them and trying to stop any increase in devolution if they're not the ones who thought of it.

Plaid Cymru - Welsh equivalent of the SNP only less successful and not that fussed about independence.

The EDP - claim to be the English equivalent of the SNP but are actually BNP-lite. Absolutely hate the BNP though due to "personal reasons". Love St George and think that as long as we leave the EU, ban Scotland and make St George's day a bank holiday then everything will go back to being like the Last of the Summer Wine.

TUSC - coalition of various far left political parties that very few people have heard of. Each party in it thinks the other parties in it are traitors to the cause and they all think that everyone outside the TUSC is a fascist Thatcherite.

Northern Irish parties - quite a few of them but no one in the rest of the UK gives a toss. Have a weird system whereby two parties which hate each other and have incompatible ideas about the future of Northern Ireland are forced to be in government together. This system was used as a model for the Coalition government in Westminster.

8 comments:

  1. Tsk! You got the Northern Irish parties bit wrong (but then as you say "no one in the rest of the Uk gives a toss") Actually every party bar the Greens and TUV have a role in Government behind the lead of the two parties that hate each other. So the opposition of 2 to effectively 106

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  2. @Stephen,

    Ah, my mistake then. I never could quite work out how Norn Iron worked.

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  3. Plaid Cymru do favour independence also.

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  4. what liberals wanted to privatise NHS

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  5. "Greens: Currently to be found eating vegetarian curry in a trendy Brighton bistro"

    Tsk, tsk George. If we're vegan why would we be eating vegetarian food? I know this is light-hearted but let's get the facts straight..

    You forgot to mention that our Goddess is The Caroline Lucas.

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  6. @Elliot

    I wasn't aware there was a difference between vegan curry and vegetarian curry...

    I might add something about Caroline Lucas though...

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  7. It's just me being pedantic. :P

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